Healing on the road to thirty

March 16, 2021 - Blaine Beyer

I turned 29-years-old in January. I didn’t know what pushing 30 would feel like, but here we are! For me, the road to 30 looks like a lot of things. I still don’t feel like an adult most days, yet I’m out here trying to navigate every part of it. 

Adult things include learning how to be a parent, showing up to work, remembering to update my car inspection sticker, deciding how much coffee is too much coffee, debating how many times I can hit the snooze button before I get groaned at from the other side of the bed (FYI… seven is too many times). It also looks like figuring out when the argument is over, learning how to put up healthy boundaries, admitting when I’m wrong (oof), and loving myself despite my many mistakes.

Sometimes, I get angry with myself for “taking too long” to grow up and face life head-on. I get furious thinking about how the choices I made in my late teens and early 20s put me in a place where I feel like I owe hundreds of apologies and have just as many reparations to make. I think, “You wasted so much time!” But that’s where I have to stop myself. I cannot live in the past. I can only learn from it, repair the things I can, and change old behaviors.

I think a lot of us do that, beat ourselves up in our failure. That’s not productive. And it’s not healthy. As much grace as we might extend to others, we need to figure out how to do the same for ourselves. My fiancé made an incredible point the other day and I can’t quit thinking about it. We were talking about the kids and she said, “I refuse to get angry with them over something they’ve never experienced before. Do I appreciate the behavior? No. But they’re new to this whole life thing. I can’t expect them to have it all figured out.”

WOAH! What she said stopped me in my tracks (she’s way smarter than I am and that’s why I’m marrying her). We’ve never done this life before, so why are we expecting ourselves to be perfect at it? There’s a lot of healing in that. And I think that’s where we might have to start as we recover from our missteps, shortcomings, and failures. Healing ourselves. Healing for those we’ve hurt. Healing from those who’ve hurt us.

I like finding symbols in all things. Before I sat down to write out my existential thoughts about turning 30, I googled the symbolism of the number 29. According to affinitynumerology.com, “The numerology number 29 is a relationships, compassion, and teamwork number.” I can’t help but think these characteristics are the perfect meditation for this year of my life. Focusing on what good relationships look like, showing compassion to everyone I connect with, and learning how to trust a team. All of those things go hand-in-hand with learning how to heal.

As much as 30 is a landmark number, I want to lean into this season of being 29. Not only to still get to say, “I’m in my 20s,” but to mark this as a year for healing and compassionate relationships.

Thankfully, age is just a number. So, if I fail, that’s okay. I’m new to this whole life thing… I can’t expect myself to have it all figured out.