writing
December 24, 2024 - Blaine Beyer
The holiday season has always been difficult for me, for as long as I can remember - especially over the last several years.
I don't know that I am in the place or will ever be in the place to fully express why or how. And, that's okay. What I do know is the difficulty has prevented me from truly enjoying this time of year.
Has it gotten better as time has moved on? Yes. However, the mental gymnastics it takes to put myself in a more grounded place is exhausting.
It frequently begs the question: why does this happen? This is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year!” Right?!
Before I recycle a bunch of garbled nonsense about how seasonal depression is a real thing, people have different experiences guiding them through this time of year, or sometimes the holidays aren’t meaningful to everyone, let me just say this:
We need to allow ourselves to lean into the truth of these emotions.
Speaking primarily from my experience, I’ve historically tried to avoid the negative clouds of despair and manufacture a false sense of happiness. A real fake-it-until-you-make-it effort.
What it ultimately ends up showing up as is irritation, anger, and resentment. I’m not saying there’s no value in trying to convince yourself to have a better attitude. What I am saying is that you can’t mask emotions you haven’t dealt with yet — no matter how hard you try.
Maybe there’s more we should be asking. The other question before “why is this happening?” is “what is happening?”
Maybe those seem like the same question. But I’ve spent some time trying to distinguish the two.
“Why is this happening?” jumps straight into analysis. It digs deep into the causes of the situation at hand. A lot of times, the answers to this question are subjective and up for interpretation.
“What is happening?” asks us simply to observe what is — only the facts and truth.
It’s very difficult to process only what is. My mind always wants to drift into the “why” — which is sometimes dangerous territory for me, leaning into harmful assumptions and delusions.
Only focusing on the “what is” brings me back, and grounds me to the truth of the world around me. Observing and describing the here and now reminds me of what and who I am.
There’s an old hymn that repeats a solemn refrain, “Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.”
The top of the song says, “…rest ye merry gentlemen, Let nothing you dismay.” The verses describe a changing world and what people do in relation to that change.
It makes me think of the chaos that ensues our lives sometimes. Change swings in and all we have room for is “what do we do?” And we’re forced to respond.
And then, so quickly behind the “what” follows the “why.” What if we just sat in the “what” just a little bit longer? Maybe our “whys” would become more clear.
Stronger “whats” give way to clearer “whys”.
Understanding the “what” requires stillness. The hymn calls for “rest” and says not to “dismay.”
Take in your surroundings. Observe what is happening to and around you. Breathe it all in.
My wife and I always talk about the need to create more joy in the mess of life. Creating good “whats.”
It isn't always possible, but the goal of finding bliss in challenging or mundane moments propels us forward.
It adds a level of comfort when some “whats” get hard and the “whys” too heavy.
That’s my hope for all of us this holiday season.
“…tidings of comfort and joy.”